Her bones dont stick out
&& her smiles not as bright
but BETHS mind is like the city
SO COME PLAY INSIDE


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STFUnPANIC
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Name: Beth
Birthday: 11/26/1990


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AIM: STFU N PANIC
MSN: beth11@netnet.net


Member Since: 10/10/2005

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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

This way of life is built off of summer rituals and chaotic winter nights. The way it's roads tend to jurk me aorund keep me awake. Bare the I's the Me's the You's and the We's and throw them all away. Nothing can matter except the fall-ins and fall-outs of happy crimes. To know such prose is to leave such poise but seperation from those whose bones peak out and those whose heads are in the clouds can make up for it. Allow more important things to bother my sleep than a soul that cant stand to grow twins. Once we all learn to see why we are different it will bring us together as one. One string that the world dangles from branching little threads of those who let go.


In my prospective there is nothing more to this time than organs on patterns and actors on call. We all have our secrets, even ones from ourselves that keep building nothing but stitches to cells. When the shadow hits center and the stick towers down the clouds start to dance and sing opera. Their heels click in place and form perfect right angle squares for us to place our minds. Our thoughts bounce off their walls and back into our brains enough times to make us beleive them. Crack, Crack, Crack goes our necks when we try to step outside but their are few of us that find it comforting. These stale few will meet God.


Exhale with the idea that the wind it releives will lead to hidden passageways. To a zone where what has happened does not exist. It was not an event or a series of them at that. But more like a morse code, and now pounding each word into the atmosphere sends no message but a sound taken for a sound instead of a meaning at all. These steps of meditation cant keep me calm when my tracking keeps fading away. But the sounds and the codes and the conversation at the least will lead to forgiveness. But I can read the time of what has not ocurred through the repetition of seasons and lines.


Thursday, January 12, 2006

                                                     PIGEON BOII

INTRO TO DELILAH:

Her name......was... Delilah. She was the simplest of girls with Christian beliefs and the tendency to stare at those who are forbidden. Her future was planned by her parents but she couldn't say she didn't like their ideas, because she did. She enjoys bird watching and reading at the beach. Although she never swam. Most people would say that she had never lived. But what they did not know is that her life was still on delay. Soon to be brought to her through the friendship of a wrinkled boy.

INTRO TO KEITH:

His name....was... Keith. He was aged by severely long cold winters and lived on a bench at the park.  Most people referred to him as the Pigeon Boii. He carried his belongings in a rusty old cart and bags of seeds on his back. His only incentive was summertime when he could remove layers of ripped clothing and allow the warmth to ease his mind. Everyone knew as well as he did that this summer would be his last. His low immunes and lonely homeless heart would take him somewhere that the human mind could never comprehend.

FIRST MEETING:

"Hey there Delilah." said a distant voice. And as she turned around she did not place her focus on any suspect of the phrase. She turned around slowly and curiously then questionably continued walking. The voice repeated in her head until she finally came to meet a nice spot on the grass from which the sun was visible but not piercing. She removed a notebook from her backpack and began a sketch of a dead pigeon. How could it be? That a girl of such poise, such dignity, comfort, and pride could draw anything in the state of death?

Her mind was much more complex than anyone could have guessed, and for no reason at all. She had not endured the art of depression nor the scent of loneliness but on this day, THIS DAY, June 8th, Delilah was dark. She was missing in the second reality of this world. The first being the physical aspect and the second being the mind. She was missing. "Hey there Delilah." She turned around with such anger, such disgust, that Keith tempted to run the other direction. "Who are you and how do you know my name?" She screamed from the bottom of her diaphragm then she smiled apologetically at him. "I see you here often writing or painting. Usually, well sometimes, you cry. But never do you sleep and at times I have tried to share my story with you but never before have you tempted to listen." "I have never talked to you before in my life though." She stated but pronounced it as if it were a question. "Yes, you have, but you have no recollection of this because you set yourself on a pedestal where my weak, faint, and wilted communications can or could not reach you. "He looked at the ground and began to walk the other direction but she pulled his arm gesturing him to sit. To stay a while. He sat and not another word was said until four hours later when she looked at him and asked confidently "What is your story?" her voice slightly startled him.

THE STORY:

He coughed. "Pardon Me" "Well, uhh, ahh, hmm, well." He stuttered. "We were the same at one point. I was once wealthy and simple and had the whole world at my fingertips. But I had to give it all up for this. "For what?" She said. "Oh don't ask me. You feel it too. We are the only ones. We don't deserve it you know." "Deserve what?" she snuck her words between his. Feeling interrupted he continued. " Do you ever feel sad for no reason at all. Unsure of wether or not your a horrible person for feeling this way when you have nothing wrong with you and you must keep it inside because those who are truly suffering would protest?" "Surprisingly, yes." She said. "We are the chosen ones" She arched one eyebrow "Chosen? but for what?" The wrinkles on his face had seemed to become only more defined by the minute and he sighed. "Listen here my love, and listen good. There are people in this world who can not handle anymore. SO TORTURED SO KNOTTED, SO LOST, THAT THEIR ONLY OPTION LEFT BEHIND IS DEATH. When they reach this level their container of depression overflows. "Yes." she interrupted again. "But what does this have to do with me?" "Everything, you see, it has to go somewhere dear. It lurches for a place to feed and we my darling were chosen to contain this leftover pain."

THE "HAPPY" ENDING.

"But what happens to us, don't we //fill up//?" "No, and believe me my love, this pain at the least is unbearable but you have something inside of you much stronger than I was ever given. "Keith, I'm scared." She said as she reached for his hand. "He grasped it tight and said "I know, but I can't help but believe in you. She looked away and felt her hand get very, very cold. She looked back not only to notice snow but to realize that he had disappeared and to find herself in his clothes. With her hands half gloved clutching onto a steal cart with hundreds of used notebooks inside. Each page filled with letters addressed Hey there Delilah and signed I'll always love you, Keith.


Tuesday, January 10, 2006

TO WHOM IT CONCERNS. I like to mistake silence for my mothers humms and pretend I am breathing her air. I try to exist as my only option but feel that I have failed. I am scared to find ecstacy on the lane of cosmic cruelty and friendship. I am aware that I try too hard and seem like a child but only because it contents me. My only other life would lead to medication and my other mind speaks for itself when I am sleeping. Dreams will only save me three days at a time and hillusinations three minutes at a light. Where the only way to live is to go backward and the hallway might be black. But it will proove you deserve to set foot beyond its walls.



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